The Death of My Father 1885-1888

This is a mournful post, but I shall try my best to suppress any superfluous feelings of regret or disdain. Although the death is quite tragic I am still moved by the fact I couldn't spend his last few minutes with him(father.) My uncle got that privilege while I was the one who served him with so much love and respect. I feel it unfair and uncalled for. This was what maybe God had intended- that I may not see the horrors associated with seeing my father die within my own hands. I am still lost and confused.. who to turn to? What will my new occupation be? With whom will I associate now? Who is the leader of the family? What will I become?

These questions all poured into my mind as I began to examine the consequences of what had just happened. I am myself still ambivalent about the way my father died-I am not too sure how or why- all I know is a part of my heart is gone. His health declined rapidly and I am inclined to state that I myself have never seen such a dreadful sight. He was sweating and weak... But reverting back to the topic at hand, for I have begun another digression.

Answering these questions eventually let my family to conclude that I should go to England and study law in order to become a barrister. The colleges in India did not supply extraordinary education- and as I felt that a good education does indeed lead to a good future and job, I agreed to go with my mother and brothers' consent. There were some problems with the caste I used to live with- the Modh Banias they are called. The problems were stating that I was breaking my principles and duty by "wandering off into a foreign land." Apparently I would lose everything and my reputation would be spurned throughout India. I came to realize all these conjectures and false allegations were simply to invoke a sense of aggrandizement towards the "importance" of the caste- similar to a child trying to gain attention by yelling and screaming at parents for a gift. I was not to fall culprit to such claims and made a special vow to my mother before leaving.

I would not : touch women, touch wine, or touch meat. This vow became the core belief and soul to my followings in Satyagraha- later explained.

After my father's death my family began to co